Screw Metaphors!
by WeebCommander
Summary: Drunk Scrabble anyone? FreedxLevy crack madness. One Shot. Created to give you a laugh. Citrus inside!


**Oh hi! This is my first time, so be gentle with me! *laughs for an inappropriate amount of time at her euphemism.*** **Seriously though. I've been doing therapy to explore my sexuality through smut. This one happens to be the most light-hearted of the bunch and is also the only one I've finished. Yes, it's a crack couple- fight me!!!** **Disclaimer: Gajevy is paramount. Doesn't stop me from being a giant pervert and making them be with other people XD** **Mild Lemon ahead.** **I don't own Fairy Tail or its characters.**

" _Really_? God I thought tonight was going to be _fun_..." Cana whined before upending the tapped keg above her mouth and taking a thirsty swig.

"Yeah, what kinda lame-ass game is 'Drunk Scrabble' anyway?" Gajeel groaned while nursing the dark liquid Bacchus had given him.

"You're just mad you can't spell, 'Iron Tits'," Natsu laughed drunkenly and gave Gajeel a noogie.

The unwanted physical contact had the dark slayer seething, although his surprisingly inebriated state didn't allow him to do more than put a sloppy hand on the fire dragon's face and shove weakly. "Get the fuck offa me, Ash Brain. You couldn't spell if your life depended on it." His words were starting to slur and he practically fell on top of Natsu when he lost his balance.

"Can sooo!" The pink haired dragon argued from his heap on the floor. "Luce taught me how. Didn't ya?"He looked above himself in time to see the celestial mage unintentionally slosh her Long Island into his face.

"Oops! Ssserry Nastu." She giggled, passing him in favor of stumbling over to Erza across the room.

"WHAT THE...mmmmm... that's pretty good. OI Luigi! Gimme some!" Gravity was working against him hard, and he ended up crawling to a nearby table to hoist himself up after his team mate.

"Pathetic." Bacchus laughed, observing the heavy drunken state of the vast majority of Fairy Tail. "Haven't you taught these people how to drink, beautiful?" He growled in Cana's ear while snaking his arm around her bare stomach.

"Are you _kidding_? _They're hopeless_!" She sighed, resting an elbow on his shoulder when he sat in the bar stool beside her.

In the thick of the chaos, two teams had formed and now stood round a small wood table at the center of the guild. On one side, Levy sat red faced from drinking, arranging her tiles for the fourth time this turn.

"'Copious,'" she announced proudly, placing her tiles to capture a highly valuable spot on the board before her opponent could take advantage of it. "Feeling nervous, Freed?" She cooed, her hazel eyes alight with an arrogance she only displayed when nearly trashed.

The rune mage scoffed, his confidence unwavering at her challenge. "Not remotely. Sorry to disappoint you, Levy... 'Laterally'." Arranging his letters on the board to capture triple word score on the 'y', taking the lead from her and gaining a smug set to his lips.

"Ha! See?? Freed's way better at this than Levy. He always cleans up at word games." Bickslow jeered at Lisanna who had puffed her cheeks out in annoyance.

"As if!" The takeover mage chuckled with aggravation. "Words are _literally_ her life; or have you forgotten?" The scythe mage grinned, allowing his guild mark to flop from his mouth at having suitably annoyed his girl.

"Game's not over yet, Bickslow," the bookworm agreed with her friend, "... and I do believe I've found an angle to work," Levy's eyes narrowed menacingly at the man across the table. "I won't have to 'ingratiate' myself with you by the end of this game. Quite the opposite, actually." She sneered.

"Is she insulting him? I can't tell." Gajeel whispered to Lucy not quite so discreetly due to his heavy buzz.

"Fuck, Gaj, I'm fuckin' drunk..." The blond wavered, having finished her drink and began sucking on the ice at the bottom. She leaned heavily on his shoulder, giggling at seemingly nothing.

"Bunny, you need water." He grimaced at the sickly sweet smell of booze and pineapple juice.

" **YOU NEED WATER, MUH-FUCKA**!" She shrieked belligerently inches from the dragon's sensitive ear and stumbled off to the bar. Doubled over and clutching his skull, Gajeel sucked in calming breaths while trying to get the room to stop spinning.

"'Adequate.'" Freed countered. "I _suppose_ your threats could be considered as such."

"'Primitive', like that come-back you tried to use." Levy's cheeks were burning with her competitive nature. She was normally so reserved, but sparring with someone she considered her intellectual equal was truly thrilling.

"'Succinct', the way in which I'll be besting you this evening. Don't feel bad though," he quipped, placing the last tile down in front of her, "you'll still have your _physical radiance_ to draw from in life."

Something foreign was boiling in her blood at Freed's slight. Levy's breath became more shallow with the deeper reddening of her face.

"'Apt' as you may be to misjudging me, I assure you I shan't give in easily."

Freed examined the letters she'd placed, seeing she'd created two words by filling a hole in the center of the board. He'd have to stop this beautiful monster from taking the game. When he looked up, he was surprised to see a fire burning in her eyes that looked less and less like her competitive nature and more akin to something darker. His smile slowly curled into a jagged, alcohol and hormone-fueled grin.

"A man knows better than to underestimate an equal. It ensures the 'gratification' of victory is ever sweeter..." he murmured, his deep blue eyes glittering, leering into her own.

A shiver ran through her. These words he used... why was her heart pounding??

"'Catharsis'." She barked, her voice growing low and husky while she leaned into the wood in front of her and created an inviting sight for the man in front of her. She'd propped her breasts on top of the table and looked up through her thick lashes.

"'Engorge'." He countered, his lips pulling back from his teeth menacingly. Something primal was swimming over his senses; An ache he'd never felt before settled low in his belly.

"'Ensnare'." She breathed, the heat pooling between her legs was undeniable. Was he seducing her??

Natsu sat upright from where he'd laid down on the wood floor, his nose

twitching. "You smell that?"

"Oh god..." Gajeel groaned, staring at the mages facing off against one another. The scene could be considered pornographic if the viewer were a fucking nerd like these two. The way Freed crossed his legs under the table to hide the tent in his pants and leaned forward practically eye-fucking Shrimp. It surprised the slayer to find her knees and thighs fidgeting against each other, the glow on her cheeks no longer from consumption.

Freed took a breath and let it out slowly, placing his tiles and saying nothing. He merely crossed his arms and leered at the bookworm. Curious, she leaned forward and felt everything freeze inside of her at the word the rune mage had played.

'Copulate', she read.

Levy's head snapped up and saw the hungry stare of a starved man. Before she knew what she was doing, the script mage launched herself over the table and straddled Freed, scattering wood tiles at the drunken onlookers. The force with which she hit him had the chair sailing backwards to the ground. It was there that the two most proper and reserved members of Fairy Tail viciously kissed and touched each other before the rest of the guild.

Most everyone went silent save for their wanton moaning, staring at the two mages openly grinding against one another. Suddenly Cana stood and yelled from across the room, " **YES!!!** LEVY!!! GET SOME, GIRL! **FUCK YEAH**!!"

"There's some hope for you fairies yet!" Bacchus cheered while placing Cana back onto his lap.

"Should we... uh... pull them apart?" A suddenly very sober Lucy asked across the room to which Levy looked up to actually _growl_ at her while Freed spread frantic open mouth kisses against the column of her neck.

"Be my guest, Bunny girl." Gajeel cringed beside her, his nose wrinkled in disgust. "I'm outta here. It's like watching my _sister_ get lucky."

"I... I think it's...nice." Natsu said absently, his lustful, dark eyes never leaving the couple from his seat on the wood flooring.

"Don't be gross!" The blond 'Lucy kicked' the slayer into the wall across the room where he made a man shaped hole in the wall. "You're such a pervert sometimes!"

"Th-that's a _MAN_!" Elfman said covering his eyes in embarrassment as Evergreen hit him with her fan.

"Yeah it is, big guy! Go Freed!!" Bickslow crowed beside him, his tongue lawling out with his proud chuckle. He too was rewarded with a smart smack from the fairy mage.

"Levy, Freed, this is inappropriate public behavior." Erza said, moving forward with an armored hand outstretched to separate them. When she got within three feet of the tangle of limbs, she collided with something invisible. Red glowing symbols lit up at the contact, revealing a runic barrier that wound around the amorous couple.

The Titania's frown deepened, her murderous brown eyes narrowing when Freed's hands began to slide beneath Levy's dress. "Can anyone break this rune trap?" She growled, armored hand fidgeting against the hilt of her sword.

Silence.

"The only person I've ever seen break one of his traps..." Gray began, somehow having lost all his clothing in his walk to observe the commotion, "...is Levy."

"LOVE RIVAL!" Juvia shrieked, drunkenly knocking her lover to the ground only to slam herself against the barrier. She slid with a twitch to the ground, tears streaming down her cheeks.

"Great. Hope everyone brought an umbrella." Grey sighed, heaving the water woman over his shoulder and out into the sudden downpour outside the Guild's double doors.

"I suppose it cannot be helped." Erza growled through her gritted teeth. Unsheathing her sword to point it at Freed's face, the tip connecting with his runes. "You _WILL_ respect Levy's wishes. You _WILL NOT_ push her too far. Or there won't be a barrier you can make that will keep me from gutting you like a fish. _Is that clear_?"

"Oh...F-Freed!" Levy cried when he slid his tongue up the column of her throat.

"Everyone out!" The redhead commanded, her sword pointing to the exit. "Levy's honor will remain intact. That means you, _Jet_ , _Droy_." She barked, leveling the drooling mage's with a deadly glare.

She herded everyone out into the rain, standing sentinel outside the doors for a few minutes before deciding she'd secured the area for her friend. Wandering to her home in Fairy Heights, she passed Cana and Bacchus arguing soaked to the bone in the street.

"The liquor store's _closed_!" The card mage grumbled, looking very much like an angry drowned vulcan beating her fist against the locked door. "I was just starting to get a good buzz going!"

"Come back to my room with me," The palm mage cooed in her ear, his hands running salacious path across her stomach. "I've got several bottles of my mead with your name on it."

Cana put an arm around his armored shoulder her disposition suddenly sunny. "Well why didn't you _SAY_ so?"

"I was distracted," he murmured, his nails raking across her naked hips. "...you wanna have some fun tonight?"

Focussed on getting her hands on his booze, she pushed them forward toward Magnolia's inn, her voice almost bored. "That depends on how good your home brew is. I don't put out for just any drink."

A wicked smile spread across his lips as he tightened his grip on her waist. "Only the premium shit for a babe such as yourself."

"Yeah yeah yeah, hurry up, man-bun, I've got some mead to drink."

Natsu stared unblinking from the hole his body had made in the wall. The entirety of his face was bright red, his hair contrasting less and less with his skin. The guild had forgotten about him, something he would have normally pouted about but couldn't give a fuck about now.

What he was seeing was extremely... educational.

"Take this off, I want to see you." Freed gasped.

The dragon slayer watched with interest as Levy pulled her orange dress over her head. Regardless of having seen many a naked woman, he'd never seen a naked woman in such an intimate setting. In every other situation, he received one hell of a Lucy Kick, but there was no one here to stop his gaze now and the couple sure as hell didn't appear to be stopping.

"What are you...oh...OH...! Freed!! Where did you learn _that_!??"

Natsu gripped the broken wood from the walls in front of him. That thing his nakama had done with his fingers... he'd need to remember that. His eyes glittered with new understanding- he hadn't exactly been given much information about human sexuality from his father.

As more time and clothes had been shed, he'd continued to watch in a strangely clinical way, biting his thumb thoughtfully with each new discovery.

"Please, Levy, can I...?" Freed moaned his mouth still busy with Levy's breast.

Natsu watched the first moment of hesitation he'd witnessed from the woman all night. She seemed to shrink, her hands coming to self-consciously cover herself. "I...I've never..."

"That's alright, beautiful, I'll be gentle... if it's what you want." Her partner had responded, looking up at her expectantly.

Tenderness took the place of ravenous hunger when she simply smiled and nodded. A pang of guilt at intruding on such a moment hit the slayer when he came to his senses. He shouldn't be here; he shouldn't be seeing... this.

What Freed did next caught him off guard, and Natsu's already wide eyes bulged from their sockets. His mouth rounded into an 'o' shape when the last piece of the puzzle snapped into place, so to speak. "S-so **_THAT'S_** what it's for!" He said a little too loudly.

Freed looked up from where he'd flipped them over on the wood floor.

"What!? Natsu!?? Get o-" he began, his cerulean eyes glaring at the peeping tom.

"Ohhh FREED!" Levy moaned beneath him.

The rune mage looked down, confused when she latched onto him more tightly. "Levy stop! Natsu is-"

"Who CARES! Do that again **NOW**!" The bookworm demanded, digging her heels into his backside impatiently.

Covering his mouth, Natsu couldn't blink for fear of missing anything. The people before him coupled urgently, their voices echoing through the guild. Slowly he cocked his head to the side, observing things from a new angle and creating finger shaped divots in the splintered wood he'd set his hands.

"I-I feel... what's happening!?" Levy gasped in between her partners thrusts.

"That's... quite normal... does it feel good?" Freed asked, his breathing labored.

"Y-yes. I think so...Ahh!! What are you? Oh..f-fuck! **DON'T STOP**!" She wailed, her eyes pinching shut.

The two cried out several connections later. Freed collapsed onto the woman beneath him and kissed her gently.

"Are you alright, Levy?" He smiled, breathlessly meaning his forehead against hers.

Humming contentedly, she brushed her nose against his. " _Quite_." Looking up at the hole in the wall, she grumbled at having gotten carried away in the moment. Someone had witnessed her deflowering; she felt exposed and shivered.

"Natsu, get out here." She growled, wincing when her lover withdrew and helped her to sit. Freed draped Levy's dress over her to comfort her.

No answer.

"I mean it, get out here," the rune mage called as if his lovers demand had been his own. When still nothing stirred, he stood and marched completely bare to pull him from his hiding place.

"...Natsu?"

The hole was empty.

The sound of a window shattering woke the blond from her sleep. The way in which she suddenly sat upright had her brain struggling to keep up. She knew she was on the edge of a terrible hang over; sober but only just.

The crunching of glass beneath shoes drew her from her thoughts. Someone was in her house!!

" _Luce_?"

Heart hammering in relief, Lucy flopped back onto her pillow. "Damn it, Natsu!! That's the eighth window this month! My landlady is going to _kill_ me!!" The celestial mage groaned, her arm slung over her aching eyes.

"I wanna... talk to you." Natsu whispered from her bedside. As usual, Lucy slid over in bed and stretched.

"Get in already, I'm tired." She grumbled half asleep already. "We can talk in the morning."

The familiar feeling of the bed shifting when her partner climbed into bed beside her made sleep envelope her. The unfamiliar feeling of him climbing on top of her had her eyes snapping open in irritation.

" _Natsuuu_..." She growled, her eyes glaring into the onyx spheres shining in the moonlight. "Get _off_. Go to.." something hard and foreign pressed between her thighs and her whole assessment of the situation changed on a dime. Face flushing, she forced Natsu back onto his knees." _...W-what are you d-doing!?? ARE YOU NAKED!??"_

"I know what ta'do now, Lucy. I wanna show you how I feel." He said with his signature care-free smile.


End file.
